I have had a case of writer’s block not because my minds hit a blank, and I am staring at the keyboard, and all I see are letters in front of me. More so because I have so much going on in my head I cannot quite focus all my thoughts.
I have tried to write this post like ten times but gave up half way because I am not sure what I am writing. The last few weeks in China have been hard for me emotionally, I may not show it but it’s been tough.
I knew packing my life up and heading into the unknown would have its ups and downs, but something you can never truly be prepared for. I have missed three family members birthdays in the last three weeks one being my Sister, and she loves birthdays it was sad that I could not spend the day with her. I even missed the opportunity to meet my cousin’s new wife since they live in America now and had a South African wedding. The wedding was magical, so I hear and my mom had the opportunity to officiate the service, and my dear Courteney did a bible reading. So its moments like these that get me down. That’s the sad part of living abroad moments like these will never happen again.
Then I remind myself that living in China was my choice and to beat myself up about it will only keep me falling and spiraling down into a dark place. I just need to keep moving forward.
I have met so many people, and a common question is why China and where to from here? My programmed response is I didn’t choose China; China chose me, and where to from here well I always say I am not sure will see what happens.
I love that I am meeting all these foreign people with such crazy outlooks on life. The nomadic spirit of travel and adventure gushing out as they speak each word of lands yet to be traveled and things to be seen heard and experienced first-hand. Listening to them inspires me and just reminds me of what I am doing here and see the bigger picture. I am living a dream I dreamt of for many years.
Life isn’t easy no matter where you live, but it’s up to us to make a conscious decision to be happy take the good with the bad and keep moving forward.
I have been overwhelmed with negative thoughts lately not because I hate China but more so because of my insecurities. Maybe that stems down to childhood trauma of my fear of failing and being too happy because I feel it will never last. But that’s another can of worms I need to open on another day…
I am not going to say I love teaching the fact that I am a teacher still scares me, but I am going to award myself for trying it’s been almost three months. No kid has been harmed and neither had I even though I do feel like running out at times.
There are aspects of teaching I do like. Knowing I have the opportunity to mould these young kids minds and teach them a language that can help them in so many ways in the future is fulfilling. Watching kids get things right and genuinely have fun is rewarding.
As the weather changes and the crisp cold air hits my nose, and the falling leaves hit the ground as winter days roll in I will not fall with it. I am making a conscious choice to take more risks have more fun and leave the negative thoughts behind me. (easier said than done I know) If I don’t, I will fall with the leaves and be blown away. I am here for a reason, and I’m going to make the most of it even when school gets me down, and I run out of ideas. When I’m placed in situations, I am deadly afraid of I will take the bull by the horns and try my very best.
As the year heads into a close, I am going to focus on the things I love like this blog that I have been neglecting and saving up for a new camera. So I can focus on my photography again.
Get up and make a difference in your world no matter how big or small it is change starts with you. Live more allow yourself to be truly happy, you never too young or too old to change the way you think or do something.
I will be posting more I have been to some awesome places little coffee shops, awesome restaurants and headed to Shanghai again soon. We doing a little trip over new years and my birthday that I am deadly excited for too so there will be loads to share with you all.
Don’t be like the falling leaves getting blown away stand tall like the trees, live more, laugh loud and have fun!!!
Peace love and Happiness
Photo Credit; Teresa Zhou